Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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