you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I woke up under a house in Key West
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
