just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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