I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
