ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
