the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
