1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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