omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
