My room smells like vodka and shame
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
