i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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