Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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