i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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