Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
