dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
