so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
