Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
