this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
