You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
