My first STD was from a foam party
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
