Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
