two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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