I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
