I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
