It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
