Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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