I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i just wanna soil my oats bro
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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