I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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