My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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