i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
