Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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