I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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