someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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