I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
4 words: hood of his car
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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