Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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