I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
