I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
