The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.