guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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