i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
