i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
