Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
