I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
