Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
