Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
