the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
