Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
