Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
