Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
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Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
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Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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