I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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