I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Mom said you looked used
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize