I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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