i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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