Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
