dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
