I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
