Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
