Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
