So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
