Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
