now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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