he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
